“Pithecanthropus Erectus!” Call out that 1956 Mingus classic as the Charles Mingus Orchestra wallops Washington Square, causing N.Y.U. summer students to stop in their tracks because they have never actually heard music that doesn’t include the word “bitches.”

[Charles Mingus Orchestra in Washington Square, 8 p.m., 212-252-3621]

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Witt warbles as Crow croons! Alicia Witt, the thespian best known for Law & Order: Criminal Intent, where she starred opposite Mr. Big, er, Chris Noth, performs original songs with piano and a full band (“Hit it, boys!”) at Joe’s Pub. Meanwhile, showing she’s over her Tour de Lance, Sheryl Crow pulls a Jennifer Aniston, responding to the cyclist’s well-publicized tryst with Kate Hudson by enlisting cheesy young crooner James Blunt to perform with her at Jones Beach—parking’s going to be tight, with all the MILFs in SUVs!

[Alicia Witt at Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette Street, 9:30 p.m., 212-967-7555; Sheryl Crow and James Blunt at Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, 7 p.m., www.jonesbeach.com]

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Who knew “casual Fridays” would evolve into nice young women coming to the office in what are basically towels—i.e., strapless “dresses” worn over pants—which simply beg for some hijinx-prone, ginger-freckled lad to give a tug and allow the shocked and defrocked lass to meet the summer as G-d made her. … Meanwhile, out in the ho-ho-Hamptons, a good cause—Help for Orphans International—throws an elegant benefit in Water Mill, featuring such guests as … oh, lordy … at least three cast members from The Real Housewives of NYC. Namely, Jill Zarin, Bethenny Frankel and Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. Are we trying to get kids adopted here or scare them witless?

[Help for Orphans International Summer Benefit, Nova’s Ark Project, 30-60 Millstone Road, Water Mill, 6:30 p.m., www.helpfororphans.org]

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Before you throw up your arms and conclude that a weekend in the Hamptons is synonymous with Dante’s Sixth Circle (you know, the one where the heretics are roasted), think about this: You could be in the city watching a group of “young entrepreneurs, socialites, filmmakers and ping-pong fanatics” (if you had any doubt that the word “socialite” has lost all meaning, doubt no more) host an outdoor ping-pong event in Union Square, in the name of celebrating ping-pong as an Olympic sport. Ping-pong “professionals” will be offering tips to passersby; this is not going to end well.

[Paddle in the Park, Union Square, noon, http://v2.nakedpingpong.com]

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Up in Canada, the burly DNA that produced our first college boyfriend (a hockey player; weren’t those the days!) has inclined some of the populace towards slaughter of baby seals. “What’s interesting is when you meet a bunch of seals on the ice that are just being born, then they have innate character in them, just like young kids do,” said Nigel Barker, Brit fashion photographer and eye candy on America’s Next Top Model, who is spokesman for the Humane Society’s campaign to end this sick spectacle. “Some are precocious, others are a bit more shy, and then there was one that was very talkative and kept on making screeching noises all the time; and it’s just like if you go into a ward of newborns, that’s going to be the case,” continued Mr.  read more »

The Kennedys co-opt even more square footage along our nation’s waterfront, hosting a Memorial 40th Anniversary Celebration in honor of the late R.F.K., prolific speaker and procreator, at a private home in East Hampton (similar celebrations will be held in Kennedy-friendly cities like Hyannis Port and Jackson Hole). In attendance: Rory and Ethel Kennedy, not to mention random Kennedys named Courtney and Kerry (not to be confused with Cory, the infamous underage MySpace-ster who is not, as far as we know, related to R.F.K.). Alas, neither Teddy, a.k.a. dear ole dad’s excuse for hating all Democrats, and Robert Jr., the smoldering environmentalist, will be on hand.  read more »

Homes is where the suburbs are! But first: Empty restaurant tables and Batman on IMAX be damned—get us out of this hellhole! We’re tired of maintaining our pedicure, and to top it off, we smell … funny. Meanwhile, if we have to read one more thing about Megan McCain’s dinner with Heidi Montag (John McCain’s shameless ploy to align himself with skin tone) or The New Yorker’s “brave” Obama cover, we’re moving to Daytona to be a cocktail waitress at the Holiday Inn! Leave it to Joyce Carol Oates to keep the intellectual torch burning here through the long slog of summer, reading from her latest—and, at our count, her 638th—book, My Sister, My Love: The Intimate Story of Skyler Rampike, at the Bryant Park Reading Room.  read more »

O.K., we give up: call the Jitney! Otherwise it’s turning into a summer of musical spoofs—this one, Political Idol, featuring a John McCain character singing “John McCain” to the tune of “Purple Rain” and one actor playing Barack Obama, Charles Rangel and Condi Rice. Hey, anyone know if the Mineshaft is still open?

[Political Idol, the Triad Theatre, 158 West 72nd Street, 7 p.m., 212-352-3101]

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A mass tofu tasting? Is this some plot to clear a 10-block radius around Astor Place? Hmmm. … A tofu company has patched together an impressive list of chefs, including culinary chemist Wylie Dufresne of WD-50, Perry Street’s Erik Battes and Insieme’s Edward Higgins, who will engage in a soybean showdown. And then Mr. Dufresne lied straight to our faces: “I like tofu. … I think that it has some potential in a number of ways.” Mr. Battes also shoveled some bull our way: “Tofu’s textures have been thought of as unpleasant, wrongly so. … Tofu can be made sweet, savory and has a myriad of different textures and flavors that can go along with it.” We know it’s summer, fellas, but give it up.

[Tofu Around the World Cook-Off sponsored by House Foods, Astor Center, 399 Lafayette Street at East Fourth Street, 3 p.m.].

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